| 🏳️🌈 Disaster Gay 🏳️🌈 |
Don't be afraid to message/ineract with me! I welcome conversation! If you are too shy just comment on any of my posts a little "hi" or something and I will message you first :3 I too am shy and afraid that I'm bothering someone but if you see that I'm posting something of interest to you and wanna chat about it then come talk to me.
The itchy phase of healing has begun...
Normally it's hard to resist scratching a scab for me but I nearly fainted because of this gash so that's what has been keeping me from picking it. I don't want blood to gush out again...
IT.... ITCHES! AHHH!
I put some disinfectant/antibiotic cream or whatever and felt the damage. It feels intense but only because I'm feeling with one finger. I can't see it so idk but according to my friend it isn't that nasty. I think the scabbing makes it worse than it is.
Still gross and itches like a bitch but I won't pick at it. I need this bitch to heal. I'm not gonna put a band-aid on tonight (lol its 4:40 am as I write this) to let it air out and drain any potential bacteria. I don't wanna trap anything under a band-aid. It's not bleeding that much or at all really so it should be fine.
It did bleed when I tried eating a muffin earlier. I'm not ready for solid foods just yet. More smoothies for me lol
Okay well I can have pizza because its easy to eat out of the corner of my mouth but even that's still risky. I should really stick to sauces and smoothies rn.
But pizza so tasty! T_T
So I've made the decision to not go to university.
I want to be an author and as far as the research goes, you don't need any sort of degree to get published. All sites I've read say that publishers don't look for degrees but whether or not you have any spelling errors and how good your story content is. They think about if it will sell and fits with their standards I guess, like if it's like other things they have published and if all is good they will publish it.
The only reason you'd want to go to university is if you want to work for a magazine or newspaper I guess. They are a company so they are looking for qualifications but that's not what I want to do so I don't care about that.
I agree that it would be good to go to university to study other genres but eh. I don't necessarily need that to get published. Every site I looked at said you need to read and write for practice which is what I already do.
My plan is to finish up CEGEP then get a job. When I'm not working I'll work on my writing and read more to improve my skill. In between that I'll work on my stories to get them ready for publication.
The thing is, my parents, mainly my dad will be super pissed off with this plan. They want me to go to university because they believe it's the best route to get a job. According to my research that's not true. I believe my cousin who wants to get published did go to university but he's doing other things along with writing novels. I'll probably consult him about this but I feel like university is not for me.
In literally every other province CEGEP is just equivalent to grades 12 & 13 of high school but it is a college. It's in between high school and university. So it's not like I will have JUST a high school deploma. I'll have two which is better than one or none in my mind.
Has anyone not gone to university right from Hugh school? What was it like for you? Do you plan on going to university or are you focusing on your job? I'm curious. I feel like this is the best route for me. If I don't need university to get published then I don't see the point in it. I want to get started on
1. Actually getting a real job, something I've never had
2. Getting to work on my stories in hopes of getting published.
I don't care how pissed off my dad will be. I really want control over my own life for once. I am 21 for fucks sake. It's time I take control, don't you think? I'm not a child. I know what I'm doing. I've been thinking about this since high school. Ever since then I've felt like university is not for me.
I know if I get stitches then the cut will heal faster but I'm so afraid of needles that I really don't wanna go. I'm sure they'd inject me with numbing shit and I CANNOT do that. I struggle to give myself an injection weekly which is what I've been doing for like 2 years now ish. Idk maybe closer to 3.
I. Hate. Needles. So. Fucking. Much.
Why am I like this? T_T
I don't care that it will take forever to heal since its right on my lip. I can deal with the leaking blood. I rather that then hospital. The only way I'm going is if my mom drags my ass there. I'd go if I think I broke something OBVIOUSLY but this is different. Needles will most likely be involved.
I don't wanna.
They'd have to put me out it's that bad. I don't wanna be awake if my face is getting stitched. They'd need to knock me out just to inject me with numbing shit. I know that if I'm out there is no need I'm just saying that's how bad it is for me.
Ugh. I didn't want to but I think I need to call my bank. I sent a message online to support and it says they will answer in 24 hours but that has passed and still no news. I hate phone calls but I need this issue fixed.
For some reason my card gets declined despite no reason I can think of for it happening. It hasn't reached the expiry date and there hasn't been any suspicious activity in my transactions. Like, wtf. Why ?
What other reason could there be for this? I'm confused and anxious because I NEED to buy school shit since the semester already started.
Pray for me. I'm so anxious with phone calls. Rip me.
Edit: Well nevermind. I am able to buy shit again. Idk WHAT was going on but it works now. Oh thank GOD!
WHY!? This is my school's bookstore site! I CAN BUY SHIT BUT NOT HERE?! Guess I'll wait until my mom comes back then pay her back. Sigh.
He won't try to talk on the trans issue with me or mom. Like, at all. He wants nothing to do with it. Like I said to a friend, it's like he thinks that if he ignores it then it will go away.
New flash dickhead: it won't.
I've showed signs of being trans since I was like five.
Here is a list of reasons that are in no particular order. It's whatever came to mind first.
I HATED skirts of any kind. Even the skirt/shorts. Skorts my mom called them.
Never had any interest in makeup.
Not much interest in doing my hair. Both changed now that I'm more comfortable in my body.
Never wanted to get pregnant. Ever. Still haven't changed. Argued with family about this.
I always HATED my given name. I HATED it so much. I wanted everyone to use my nickname of 'Em' and funny thing, when I came out my dad stopped the nickname and started using my full name more. Interesting...
I always felt uncomfortable with female pronouns and my given name. Both given names. The one the orphanage gave me was Lupita. Cute but no.
I never liked the colour pink. Of course, that has changed but when I was younger I was forced to wear pink shit until I had a say in my choice of clothes.
That also applies to dresses. I finally put my foot down and said no more dresses at age five or six!
That's all I can remember at the moment but I'm sure there were more signs. My mom wasn't that surprised when I came out and explained what being trans meant. She was like "oh that explains a lot".
Tbh I really want to destroy his reputation by revealing all this shit to the media because the uni will probably drop his ass like a hot rock but that's taking it too far I feel.
But if I move out maybe...
That is, if he still hasn't changed. Don't put this shit past me. I'm not above being an asshole for revenge.
He put me through this shit and it's had a major negative impact on me, especially my mental health. Don't test me bitch.
Sorry if it seems all I do is rant. There isn't a whole lot of positivity in my life right now. Like at all. The only positive interacts I really get are online, sadly. Mom is cool but meh dad aways walks in eventually.
I would write this in a journal but if it's on paper my dad will eventually find it and that's not a risk I want to take. Same thing for a journal app. At least here I can sign out. I guess I could lock a journal app but eh if it's on my phone and he suspects something he'll demand I unlock it. That's never happened but it could. On here I can log out and he'll never know. He doesn't know I have a waterfall account because he's not on social media and if he is, I don't know about it but he's an old man. He wouldn't use anything other than email and texting.
Basically here is the only place I feel safe enough unloading my stress. Sorry if it's annoying but you can always block the rant tag. And if I'm being honest, I'm not even talking about EVERYTHING. What I write is just what has really gotten to me but of course there is a lot more I could shit about here but I won't. I'm trying not to make this into a rant/personal life blog.
My dad came to Canada from the Caribbean at 18!
I'm sure Ama cried but like, mom, why are you making such a big deal out of this? I'll be near our family clan! I'm literally going to be living close to her family. What does she have to worry about? Sure I'll be like 6 ish hours away by car but that's not a big deal considering what my dad did at 18. I won't be 18. I'm 21.
I'm so annoyed at people (mostly my family) who worry about me. I'm an adult. Leave me alone. I don't go out and get black out drunk and I don't do drugs. I won't put myself in any kind of situation that leaves me at risk. Mostly I might just stay on campus if that's an option for me to live there (cuz ya know COVID) because they have a Timmy's lol
Sometimes my family calls me a child (which I hate) and say I'm too young for this or that then get annoyed that I'm not ready for the real world. WELL who's fault is that? I learned how to use the STM mostly on my own. My family never taught me how.
The fucking STM.
That should have been one of the first things they taught me how to use but no. My family have cars. My parents can drive me places so why would I need to use the STM? That was their thinking. How does that make sense? Did they not think it would want to go do things with friends?
I mean, it would save us money but then we'd need to rely on them to come get us and my friend and I love going downtown. That's a hassle to navigate by car. That's Montreal for ya! It would take my mom or dad over an hour to get us downtown and then we'd struggle to find each other so it's much easier to take the STM.
My parents actually struggled with letting me use the STM on my own. They feared for my safety and shit. SIGH. I know there could be risks when going alone but many people use public transport by themselves, like my friends and they are all fine. I don't see the big deal.
Tbh Caribbean families can be the worst when it comes to being protective. My dad's family are all worried about my safety. I thought maybe my auntie and uncle would back me up but nope. The only one who seems to support me and wants me to grow is my uncle who married into the family. Everyone else is smothering and I HATE IT SO MUCH.
I'm so jealous of friends who's parents let them do whatever they want so long as they come back at cerfew. I'm jealous at my friends who have more freedom. Some just have shitty parents so I do feel bad but like, I want more freedom without my parents being so protective of me.
My dad grew up in a small town and walked so far when he was like 8! He's only protective of me because I was born a female. It sucks. I get I'm more at risk because I'm trans but like, where I live no one has given a shit about me. I don't get any looks or anything.
This has been building up for years. I've always wanted to be independent but my parents make it hard. This is why, when I can, I'm moving the fuck away. I want my forever home to be in Newfoundland on the coast. Somewhere near Saint John's.
Even if my parents are still able to live on their own and want to follow me, it would be hard to find a home right next to mine which is what I'm counting on. Although, the chances are that by the time I'm ready for that they will most likely need to be in an assisted living home.
Rant over. I'm done.
It's my mom's birthday and we've only been up for a little while and already my dad has picked many mini arguments. 😑
He knows what pisses us off yet does it anyway.
This is why I can't wait to move the fuck out of here. I can't stand this man. Go the fuck back to the 50s where you clearly belong.
I'm on a Men Try binge on YouTube and I'm watching them try German treats and before watched them try Irish treats.
My mom loves all that shit lmao If we ever get a chance to go to Germany as a family or Ireland she'd enjoy all of the food. Tbh I'd enjoy the German food more since I've been exposed to it more. Tasty
omg it's been so long since I had Ting! I forgot how great this drink is! Every good Caribbean drinks Ting lmao It's a Jamaican drink and omg if you haven't tried it, it's amazingly good!
God, I want to go back to the Caribbean. It's like my second home and for a lot of my childhood, it was lol
my Pride Poject is done!
I still need to do a thing about the history of the movement but I won't put a rush on that. I'll take my time but hopefully I can finish by the 4th because we are going to visit some family so I want to be done by then.
Don't worry, we have all been distancing ourselves and my aunt and I cannot catch the youknowwhat so the whole family has been super careful. It will be like 6 of us so under the limit for our areas.
Also we are actually SMART and LISTEN to the health EXPERTS unlike SOME ASSHOLES >:(
Just fuck anyone who isn't taking this virus seriously.
I should really give my voice a rest but I wanna keep singing... Watch me lose my voice for the rest of the day.
Oh well. lmao
I haven't learned my lesson yet. My voice was fine the other day so I'm singing a bunch today and I can already feel it going lmao
When my voice recovers should I upload a thing of me singing? Would anyone be interested? To hear a lil trans dude sing?
Went on the McGill site to look up something and it says:
McGill.ca is not available
Sorry, the McGill website is temporarily offline. Please wait a moment and try again.
The link says: "https://drupal-wp-over-capacity.it.mcgill.ca/".
Over Capacity. Oof. Guess the students are trying to get shit done.
I was gonna look up the difference between a minor and major for university but I think I have an idea.
For me going into Creative Writing I don't think I need to Minor. Just Major.
If anyone knows more than me (a simple CEGEP student) feel free to let me know. I'm getting used to Uni terms and such. As far as I understand it, I am going to Major in Creative Writing in University.
Of course when everyone is asleep is when I feel motivated to do research on my future. I'll wait until my Uni Professor pops is awake and ask him. He teaches eh 3-4 courses? (Can't check cuz the site be kaput.) Each roughtly 3 credits at McGill. The most famous university in the province, probably in Canada.
With his knowledge of how Uni's operate when it comes to applications and my mom who used to be an English teacher and loves reading, I am in a very privilaged position. My dad knows what the university is looking for in an application of intent and my mom has perfect syntax. I have a really good shot at getting into a university since they can look over my shit. I am super lucky but I am still super stressed.
Going to University... My future... It's what will help me to get a job...
Unfortunately this story was published much later than I would have liked but I had to do shit and I got side tracked with research because I was born in Mexico so it was interesting to learn that my people had a term that falls under the Trans umbrella.
It doesn't apply to me because from what I read it applies mainly to someone born as a man who dresses and acts like a woman.
I am l'opposé de ça lol
Is it possible to get a crush on someone you've never met in person and only know through the internet? Apparently it is for my dumbass heart
Glad I'm not the only one lmao
I find it so funny how when my dad talks to his friends you can really hear the Caribbean accent lmao Like it gets THICK. Normally you don't hear the Caribbean in him unless he's passionate about something whether he's mad or having a good conversation. When he's talking with uncle Leroy the accent really comes out lmao
I'm honestly surprised I don't have a Caribbean accent. I spent a good portion of my childhood there and of course, grew up with my dad so I should have one but nope.
Sometimes an Irish accent slips from my mouth which I don't usually notice but my mom does and laughs at me lol I also have a French accent but that only appears when I parle en francais and apparantly I have a really nice French accent. Literally everyone who has heard me speak French says they love my accent. Like wat? I don't hear it.